How to be Alone

Yesterday, someone asked me to name my motivation. I guess I was startled by the question. He told me not to wrack my brain over it, and eventually we both moved on with the conversation without identifying any motivation factor in my life.

The good news is I am not particularly depressed nor suicidal. That's the good news, all things considered. I've come to terms with everything that I am able to see and interpret. I am at peace. If I live only to see 25, or if I live to see three digits, either way, I am at peace with it.

The bad news is, even in peace, I have not found any source of motivation. So, I am working to think of something before the beginning of the year. I always have new years resolutions, and usually I make some adjustments and/or accomplishments through out the year.

Motivation is: what makes the difference whether I accomplish the goals or not. What difference does it make? The 'difference' is the motivating factor.

As soon as I figure out what difference it makes, and whether my own advancement makes any difference at all, I will identify my own motivation.

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Two years ago, I asked a few questions. I was a little more motivated, then, to find the answers. (Some questions have been paraphrased, humorously, for privacy's sake.)

What do you do when your credit score is low?
What do you do when you are in debt and without savings?
What do you do when you are depressed and can not afford a counselor?
How do you become a strong black woman?
How to become financially independent of a man?
How to attract men who won't beat you?
How to attract men who won't cheat on you?
How to smile?
How to be normal enough that a man might introduce you to his family?
How to care?
How not to be ashamed of yourself?
How not to be ashamed of your family?
How to network?
How to throw dinner parties?
How to raise black children who don't hate you?
How to raise black children who don't fear you?

OR

How to be alone.

I think under normal circumstances, I have learned the answers to many of these questions. Problem is, most people who ask most of those questions are not in normal situations. The individuality of abnormality -- as opposed to the diagnosis of disorder -- is what makes the questions difficult to answer.

Everyday I seek mastery over solitude and power over lonesomeness. I desire intimacy, but still, somehow, find peace in its absence.

So I work on "How to be alone."