What I Must Learn

1. Fear

Sometimes, it feels as if the entire world is watching. I certainly hope not. Sometimes, it feels as if half of the world is laughing and the other half is crying. And to my own dismay, I cannot tell which is which.

There is a book that I love called, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." I reckon, this is my period of fear. I've noticed that this fear isn't going anywhere. So, will I be completely undone by it? Will I be paralyzed by it? Or, will I finally rise above it's permanence.

I fear.
I fear being hated by black men.

Why would they hate me? I am not sure, but certainly it has something to do with my fatal flaws. Someone would call me weak. Someone would call me a bitch. Someone would call me lazy. Someone would call me a whore (though, I must be the most none-ass-getting-whore that ever lived). Someone would call me double headed. Someone would call me ignorant. And still, someone would call me a horrible writer.

And, I would walk the neighborhood, and not be able to disguise my face. And my reputation of weakness, bitchiness, laziness, whorishness, double-headedness and ignorance would proceed me. And worse, I would be the writer-who-can't-write.

This, I fear.

Men would cut their eyes when they see me. Boys would avert their eyes. And even the edges of their smiles would be sentenced with downturned disgust.

This, I fear.

Lately, I have been wondering what about me makes all of the men that I admire despise me. And, after I repeat the same experience again and again. I realize, it is me. In this sense, I wish either either beautiful enough to be in a music video, or with my temperment, I wish I was a man. To have my temperment and not be an absolutely beautiful woman is, a tragedy.

Is this self-hatred? No, I realize that I love myself. And, I haven't met anyone that I would rather be. But, I hate being me in this world as it is today. To live in a constant state of discomfort always greeting disapproval. If I have to be in this world as it is today, I think I would rather be a beautiful woman, or a man (beautiful or not).

Growing up, I always wanted to become my father. I always wanted to be treated equally to my brothers. My father humored me. But, in the end, he was right. There is a difference between men and women.

I have been put in my place.

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2. What is missing

I recognize that there are a few things which I did not learn as a child. A few things, that perhaps I should have.

A. How To Treat A Man

B. How To Interact with Whites

C. How To Respect Authority

And, there is a way to handle each scenario without completely becoming a doormat. The earlier that one understands each of these things, the smoother things go.

Even if you are a black, a woman, or a black woman that pushes the envelope, you still have to understand what the norm is in order to rebut it.