On Outliving

"There comes a point in life where each one of us who survives begins to feel like a ghost that has forgotten to die at the right time, and certainly most of us were more amusing when we were young." -- de Bernieres
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How to be Alone

Yesterday, someone asked me to name my motivation. I guess I was startled by the question. He told me not to wrack my brain over it, and eventually we both moved on with the conversation without identifying any motivation factor in my life.

The good news is I am not particularly depressed nor suicidal. That's the good news, all things considered. I've come to terms with everything that I am able to see and interpret. I am at peace. If I live only to see 25, or if I live to see three digits, either way, I am at peace with it.

The bad news is, even in peace, I have not found any source of motivation. So, I am working to think of something before the beginning of the year. I always have new years resolutions, and usually I make some adjustments and/or accomplishments through out the year.

Motivation is: what makes the difference whether I accomplish the goals or not. What difference does it make? The 'difference' is the motivating factor.

As soon as I figure out what difference it makes, and whether my own advancement makes any difference at all, I will identify my own motivation.

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Two years ago, I asked a few questions. I was a little more motivated, then, to find the answers. (Some questions have been paraphrased, humoursly, for privacy's sake.)

What do you do when your credit score is low?
What do you do when you are in debt and without savings?
What do you do when you are depressed and can not afford a counselor?
How do you become a strong black woman?
How to become financially independent of a man?
How to attract men who won't beat you?
How to attract men who won't cheat on you?
How to smile?
How to be normal enough that a man might introduce you to his family?
How to care?
How not to be ashamed of yourself?
How not to be ashamed of your family?
How to network?
How to throw dinner parties?
How to raise black children who don't hate you?
How to raise black children who don't fear you?

OR

How to be alone.

I think under normal circumstances, I have learned the answers to many of these questions. Problem is, most people who ask most of those questions are not in normal situations. The individuality of abnomalcy -- as opposed to the diagnosis of disorder -- is what makes the questions difficult to answer.

Everyday I seek mastery over solitude and power over lonesomeness. I desire intimacy, but still, somehow, find peace in its absence.

So I work on "How to be alone."
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Another Year of Unfinished Expectations

As it leans towards mid-december, we are approaching New Year's Resolution writing time. I don't remember (off the top of my head) what my resolutions were last year. I have a feeling, I didn't achieve them. And from the memory of 2008, I probably didn't reach them the prior year, neither.

Ah, looks like I found them. 2009 Resolutions.

1. To edit OO: Screenplay and register it with WGA.
2. To write OO: Novel... or at least a first draft
3. To collect more essays for The Three Minds of Black America
4. To write my second screenplay
5. To work for AT&T... yay new job!
6. To buy my FIRST CAR
7. To rent an apartment in Downtown Detroit
8. To purchase a new cell phone

(Mid year I also decided to 9. Read 50 books and 10. Lose 40 pounds)

1. Well, I did register the screenplay, even though I am still editing it. 2. I only have 20 pages of the novel's first draft... and I had 50 pages in 2007. Yeah, don't ask. 3. The deadline for The Three Minds was June 15th. One person submitted (who didn't know me personally) - a few others inquired. 4. I started a second screenplay, but I decided to make the first one better. 5. AT&T, I'm not sure what to say. I remember being so excited about it last January. 6. Although I am barely able to drive it (for at least three different reasons), I did purchase my first car. 8.I bought a new cell phone, two actually. The second, after the first was stolen at a play.

(So far I have read 50 books. And, I lost about 20 of the 40 pounds I wanted to lose.)

This year I wrote 1 essay, 2 short stories, 1 piece of erotica. Less than 10 poems. Not much.

I attempted seven out of the eight goals. Pitifully enough, none of the seven which I attempted are either finished or in operation as of December, 2009.

I found my 2007 New Year's Resolutions here: Despite everything that has changed since then, my goals are pretty much the same.

Here goes nothing. Lhea's 2010 Resolutions.

1. Finish editing OO: Screenplay.
2. Finish 1st draft of OO: Novel.
3. Finish TF: Poems.
4. Write 2nd Screenplay
5. Write Short Stories
6. Write Essays
7. Write Erotica
8. Move out of father's house
9. Weigh 125 pounds
10. Go Vegan
11. Develop income not reliant upon: Food Stamps, Prostitution, etcetera
12. Prevent myself from becoming another negative black stereotype
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The Myopia of the Young

After my senior year in high school, I went back to my elementary/middle school and gave a graduation speech. Well, technically, I reckon it was a promotion speech. (The students were being promoted from 7th to 8th grade, I believe. Or, something of that matter.)

The principle behind the speech I wrote is that any student can begin again. Any student can slough off older, lower expectations of parents, teachers and peers in order to create a higher standard for themselves. For instance, if a student did poorly one year, the next year the student could perform excellently. The primary message to the students was not to let anyone trap them in a pattern of poor performance.

I specifically said, Don't let your teachers talk to you about a permanent record. I've never seen a permanent record. Each year is an opportunity to begin again. (paraphrased)

Well, that was the wisdom of a seventeen year old. And while that was a very emotionally engaging and inspiring speech, it is one I would vastly revise if ever asked to speak before young students again.

A lot of the parents loved the idea -- to pursue excellence despite previous setbacks.

But, there are records. At 25, I think I would encourage students to pursue excellence in spite of them.
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Repulsion

Lately, I've been repulsed by my own ignorance.

But even in my repulsion and ignorance, I have had an extraordinary since of peace. Sometimes I worry that my own peace is grounded in foolishness. But, I don't get angry any more. I cry less.
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On Audiences -- Real and Imagined

Lately, I have been wondering which idea is more frightening: 1) the thought that no one reads my words or 2) the chance that someone actually does.

Either way, I am frightened -- both by my solitude and my nakedness.
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Conversations with Flies

Today, I saw a fly perched on a door in my home. Curiously enough, it did not stir when I swatted. For the first time I touched a fly's wing for a decent length of time without it flying away. I was shocked that this fly was not disturbed by the movement of my hand, or by the feeling of my touch. Eventually, it flew away.

It was strange. Then again, why should a fly be afraid of me?
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